


Don't Sin on the Family Group Chat

by greeny1710



Series: The Chaotic Trio verse [25]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non Famous, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Family Bonding, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, Group Chat Dynamics, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26126626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeny1710/pseuds/greeny1710
Summary: The Chaos Family have a group chat.It goes about as well as you'd think
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Kimi Räikkönen/Sebastian Vettel, Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc, Valtteri Bottas/Lewis Hamilton
Series: The Chaotic Trio verse [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1594924
Comments: 63
Kudos: 218





	Don't Sin on the Family Group Chat

**Author's Note:**

> based on this ask from **ravenclawqueer** who said: _Would like to share the idea with you that literally happened in a discord chat I’m in. Seb, Kimi, the children and their partners have a group chat and to fuck with Seb (and Kimi) they all change their profile picture and name to the same thing so they can annoy the hell out of Seb_
> 
> I was going to post this on Friday but I got the email from my uni that confirmed all my classes were going to be online this coming semester and so I was like 'look we all need cheering up so let's release the chaos of the group chat fic' 
> 
> the blue messages are from Charles, and the rest have the character name tagged above the messages :)
> 
> I spent four hours coding this so like I seriously hope you like it or I will cry lmao (also excuse the photo coding bit not being in the group chat format, I just couldn’t work it out so like rip I guess) 
> 
> also, final note from me, this is set a couple years down the line in 2022👀 xx

Don’t Sin on the Family Group Chat  
  
do u ever just watch like a really satisfying tiktok and think ‘yo I wonder if anyone’s ever had an orgasm to this’   
  
because I do  
  
Max  
What? Think it or have an orgasm?   
  
Just thinking   
  
I bet u would tho if it was dan doing the tiktoks bc I’ve seen how u react to his Instagram stories   
  
Seb  
The temptation to block your number increases every day   
  
Ok boomer   
  
Max  
Ok boomer   
  
Valtteri  
Ok boomer   
  
Daniel  
Seb would you even know how to do that??   
  
Or are you too boomer for that?   
  
Lewis  
Don’t be mean to Seb!   
  
Seb  
Thank you Lewis!  
  
Lewis  
It’s not his fault he’s technologically inept   
  
Seb  
You know what I hate you all   
  
Do you know what I hate?   
  
Seb  
If you send a photo of my haircut, I’m going to kill you   
  


Max  
SKJESFLRJ HST   
  
IM CRYING   
  
Charlotte  
Oh my god  
  
Daniel  
I have to agree Seb that was a baaaaaad choice   
  
Seb  
**@Daniel** you’re my least favourite   
  
Kimi  
Gotta admit the kid’s got a point   
  
Not your finest moment Seb  
  
Seb  
**@Kimi** we’re getting a divorce   
  
Kimi  
Worth it  
  
Max  
Don’t forget this fine moment   
  


THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU  
  
BURN IT   
  
I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT MOUSTACHE   
  
Seb  
Charles Marc Räikkönen-Vettel just because you’re in a different city doesn’t mean I can’t ground you   
  
Alright   
  
**@boys and honorary boy** : you know what to do   
  
**Charles changed his display picture** **Charlotte changed her display picture** **Max changed his display picture** **Pierre changed his display picture** **Daniel changed his display picture** **Lewis changed his display picture** **Valtteri changed his display picture** Seb  
I genuinely hate you all   
  
Charlotte  
🥺 even me?  
  
Seb  
I hate that I can’t say yes   
  
No, Charlotte, you are lovely   
  
Charlotte  
**@charles @max @valtteri** im the favourite child now deal with it bitches   
  
Daniel  
She doesn’t even go here!   
  
Max  
Did you seriously just quote mean girls   
  
Daniel  
Yes I did baby, I did it to remind her that she ain’t shit and I will fight her on favourite child status   
  
Charlotte  
Daniel. Meet me in Trafalgar Square. I just wanna talk   
  
Max  
Bye Daniel baby I love you I’ll cry at your funeral xx   
  
Daniel  
**@Max** the fact that you’re so sure she’ll kill me   
  
Charlotte  
Want to test that hypothesis?  
  
Daniel  
I’d be more intimidated if your profile picture wasn’t currently Hairodyanmics on Steroids   
  
Seb  
**@Pierre** you’re my favourite future son-in-law because you’re quiet   
  
Do you wanna know why he’s quiet   
  
Valtteri  
If you’re about to say he’s got his mouth on your penis im sending you back to Sunday school   
  
You’re not my Dad you can’t tell me what to do   
  
Kimi  
No but I am   
  
And I won’t stop your brother sending you back to Sunday school   
  
I thought I was banned from going within 50ft of church????   
  
Or is that just the one near Forests I’m banned from???   
  
Seb  
You’re no longer banned, I checked your restraining order. It ran out once you completed your education at Forests   
  
You know what I’ll just go with the narrative that Pierre is asleep then   
  
Pierre  
I was in the shower you moron stop being annoying   
  
Was you??? I thought you was asleep   
  
Pierre  
Charles where even are you   
  
Bold of you to assume I know where I am   
  
Max  
He’s at the corner shop near Westminster, **@Charlotte** can you go and fetch him?  
  
Charlotte  
No can do matey let the bitch suffer xx   
  
How did u know that u witch   
  
Max  
I still have your location services turned on   
  
Also I got a notification you’re playing pokemon go   
  
Fucking nerd   
  
Kimi  
Nerd   
  
Seb  
Nerd   
  
Lewis  
Nerd   
  
Daniel  
Nerd   
  
Pierre  
Nerd   
  
Charlotte  
YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING NERD OMG   
  
Valtteri   
Catch me a psyduck pls   
  
✨💖🕯💫🌈 n o 🌈💫🕯💖✨  
  
Valtteri   
You know when Dad said the desire to block your number increases every day? Yeah I feel that about the desire to punch you with a brick   
  
Lewis   
Now now Valtteri play nice   
  
He’s only a baby   
  
ex-fuCKING-SCUSE ME BITCH   
  
ME   
  
A BABY   
  
Charlotte   
You literally cried yesterday because you found out they replaced Bob the Builder with a worse version you are a baby   
  
Seb   
I remember when you found out you couldn’t marry Bob the Builder   
  
Kimi   
Thanks for reminding me of that Seb I’d finally got his screaming tantrum out of my head   
  
Seb   
I think about having to apologise to the woman who was in the Wendy costume because Charles punched her a lot   
  
I didn’t ask to be exposed jfc dad   
  
Ngl tho like im angry at the new one and the fact that they changed him but the new bob is kinda fit   
  
Charlotte   
Aww Charles wants to get nailed by Bob the Builder   
  
Valtteri   
I will bank transfer you £100 right this second if you promise to never say that ever again   
  
Charlotte   
Okay   
  
Valtteri   
Done   
  
Pierre   
Aww Charles wants to get nailed by Bob the Builder   
  
**@Valtteri** where’s my money   
  
Valtteri   
I hate it here   
  
Seb   
Join the club, kid   
  
Kimi   
To be fair, Sebastian, you kind of deserve the kids winding you up   
  
The haircut was nightmare worthy   
  
Seb   
You told me you liked it!   
  
Kimi   
I’m not an idiot, Seb.   
  
Seb   
What’s that supposed to mean?   
  
Kimi   
Well if I told you I thought you looked weird I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy all the kids not living at home anymore for a while, would I?   
  
PLEASE DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE   
  
Max   
PLEASE DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE   
  
Daniel   
PLEASE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN   
  
by which I mean lewis and pierre   
  
They’re innocent children   
  
They should be protected   
  
Pierre   
I’m still looking for Charles btw he’s vanished again   
  
Oh yeah forgot to tell you im now looking for bubble tea   
  
Lewis   
I thought you don’t like bubble tea?   
  
I don’t   
  
But I also didn’t use to like nail polish and now I do   
  
We call it character growth hen   
  
Seb   
Charles you allergic to something in bubble tea that’s why you don’t like it   
  
Well I guess we gotta listen to dickens and keep trying for survival of the fittest   
  
If I die, at least I die beautiful   
  
Max   
Did you   
  
Did you seriously just say Dickens   
  
Oh wait lmao   
  
He was the writer fucker right?   
  
lmao who was the evolution lad   
  
Dawkins?   
  
Max   
I want to shout at you but at least you named a biologist this time   
  
Wait who’s dawkins then?   
  
Valtteri   
He was a biologist who developed the Selfish Gene theory, to do with allele frequency and phenotypic trait effects to determine the adaptive evolution we all go through   
  
Kimi   
The fuckin what now   
  
Your honour he’s lost me   
  
Seb   
…   
  
Daniel   
Wow that’s sexy Valtteri   
  
Max   
Excuse me   
  
Daniel   
Sarcasm honey bunch xx   
  
**@Charlotte** he’s a virgo go off babe   
  
Charlotte   
It’s because he’s a perfectionist, his natural traits would imply that he wants to be the best at everything and doesn’t realise that sometimes it demonstrates itself as a ‘showy off’ tendency   
  
Also us virgos are supposed to be highly intelligent and stoic. And we’re meant to be really perceptive but a bit more laid back with life, so like for someone that doesn’t believe in zodiac signs Valtteri fits the bill so damn well??   
  
Thanks babe   
  
LMAO **@VALTTERI** YOU GOT CALLED A SHOW OFF BC OF DARWIN   
  
OH MY GOD   
  
DARWIN   
  
THAT’S THE BEARDED FUCKER   
  
Not Dad, I still have nightmares about that time he tried to grow a beard   
  
BUT BIG BEARDY BEAR DARWIN   
  
Lewis   
Charles, do you happen to have a crush on Charles Darwin?   
  
I mean he’s got a great name, I’d date him   
  
Max   
Charles he worked out about incest in humans by marrying his first cousin and noticing similarities in their kids to the incest tomatoes that grew in his garden   
  
We love a smart man xx   
  
Daniel   
That’s why I date Max😍   
  
Max   
What have you lost   
  
Daniel   
Why do you just assume I’ve lost something   
  
Max   
Because you only ever call me smart when you’ve lost something   
  
Daniel   
I can’t find my laptop   
  
Max   
bottom left shelf in the wardrobe   
  
Seb   
Do I want to ask why it’s there  
  
Max   
He got very drunk last night   
  
Football socials   
  
He cried because someone told him about anatidaephobia   
  
Pierre   
Isn’t that the fear of a bird watching you?   
  
Max   
Goose or Duck specifically, but essentially yes. The fear that at all points in your life you’re being watched by a duck, no matter where you are and no matter what you’re doing. You’re just constantly being watched   
  
Daniel   
Found it   
  
Thank you baby x   
  
Max   
No problem   
  
I put it there when you started trying to throw it out the window at a pigeon that you felt threatened by   
  
Kimi   
Max, I say this with absolute love and respect for your boyfriend   
  
But he’s fucking insane   
  
Max   
Preach it sis   
  
Pop off king   
  
Valtteri   
We stan   
  
Lewis   
Icon   
  
Charlotte   
I aspire to be Kimi   
  
Daniel   
Drag me king   
  
Seb   
I have literally never been more confused   
  
Pierre   
Ok boomer   
  
IM FUCKING CACKLING   
  
PIERRE I LOVE YOU LMAO   
  
Seb   
**@Pierre** do you not remember I said you’re my favourite?  
  
Kimi   
Probably does but you do give big boomer energy sometimes Seb   
  
Charlotte   
Imagine being Kimi   
  
I wish   
  
Kimi   
It’s actually pretty easy   
  
Marry a pretty boy and then spend your entire life calling him out for being confused   
  
But you could easily swap it to be a pretty girl   
  
You’ve got two stunning ladies at your disposal   
  
Charlotte   
Yes I do🥺   
  
Seb   
That reminds me!   
  
**@Charlotte** has Cate got work experience sorted? I have a client in from Mercedes F1 team and they’re looking for people to come and work on their equipment. I know Cate’s doing aerospace engineering but is it something she’s interested in having a look at?   
  
Valtteri   
The fact that you didn’t ask me…   
  
Seb   
Excuse me, you are in your third year of university. You can get your own work experience. I’m helping others. I’m not letting you use my name as a way of getting in places. If you want to apply for it, you can. But I’m also asking Charlotte to ask Cate, so stop being a whiny little hockey player and go get ready for your training  
  
Charlotte   
She says yes please   
  
Well kinda   
  
Her reply was more like:   
  
CHARLOTTE ASK THE MAN IF I CAN MARRY HIM. BECAUSE I WILL LITERALLY MARRY HIM THIS INSTANT I WOULD LOVE THAT SO MUCH   
  
So basically yeah but with a bit more drama   
  
Seb   
I’ll get you the details later and you can send them across to her. I’m glad it’s helpful for her!   
  
Are we ignoring the part where Cate offered to marry Dad?   
  
Charlotte   
Yep   
  
Im gonna text her and tell her I’m only going to call her Mommy from now on   
  
Max   
**@charles** your mommy issues are showing again   
  
At least I don’t have a Daddy kink   
  
Daniel   
lmao   
  
Max   
I don’t know why you’re laughing you’re the one who gets called it   
  
Seb   
Everyday this family moves further from the light of Jesus   
  
Kimi   
You’re not even religious shut up   
  
Also you was praising jesus last night and you was DEFINITELY very far from him then   
  
Valtteri   
And that’s my cue to say im going to hockey practice, **@lewis** I’d get out whilst you can   
  
Lewis   
I muted this chat a long time ago, don’t worry. Have a good practice! Want to facetime later?❤️   
  
Valtteri   
Yes! I’ll text you when I’m out the shower   
  
Lewis   
Can’t wait! Talk to you later   
  
Pierre   
What I love is that if this was Max and Dan, there would 100% have been a dirty comment about phoning BEFORE they get in the shower and I love that Lewis and Valtteri have enough self respect to not subject us to hearing about it  
  
That feels like you’re calling my parents out for that ‘far from jesus’ comment   
  
Pierre   
I didn’t like to say   
  
but if the shoe fits   
  
Charlotte   
The tea is piping today ladies   
  
Max   
**@Charles** dad and isä have gone remarkably quiet   
  
@Max oh my lawd   
  
They better not be committing sin   
  
THIS IS A FAMILY FRIENDLY CHANNEL   
  
PG CONTENT ONLY   
  
**@PARENTS** ANSWER US   
  
**@SEB**   
  
**@KIMI**   
  
**@SEB**   
  
**@KIMI**   
  
**@SEB**   
  
**@KIMI**   
  
**@SEB**   
  
**@KIMI**   
  
**@SEB**   
  
**@KIMI**   
  
Max   
Yeah they’re not answering   
  
Daniel   
Yeah they’re defo having sex   
  
Max   
And that is a mental image I did not need in my head thank u very much darling   
  
Daniel   
Anytime sweetpea   
  
Charlotte   
Aww u two are so sweet im going to throw up   
  
Kimi   
Your Dad has still got it   
  
Max   
I AM GOING TO JUMP INTO THE RIVER THAMES WITH TWENTY BRICKS ATTACHED TO ME   
  
BITCH IM JUMPING OFF THE SHARD INTO THE THAMES   
  
Seb   
Bet you regret all those hair comments now, don’t you, boys?   
  
Daniel   
I hope one day I can make my kids hate life as much as you two do. It’s a true honour to witness your chaos in action :’)  
  
Charlotte   
Relationship goals innit   
  
Pierre   
**@Seb @Kimi** we love you   
  
**@Pierre** I hate you   
  
Max   
**@Daniel** im splitting up with you   
  
Daniel   
Yeah we already did that once and yet you’re still stuck with me so like nah💙  
  
Also we all know I put that ring on your finger for just this reason   
  
Max   
Yeah you did💙   
  
Seb   
I’M SORRY WHAT?   
  
Kimi   
**@Max @Daniel** WHAT   
  
aDHSJGDJGIDJGIORSGIH   
  
EXDSITV ME BTIAE   
  
YOU FUCKING WHAT NOW   
  
Lewis   
OH MY GOD   
  
SOMEONE HOLD ME IM CRYING   
  
Charlotte   
I AM FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW   
  
Pierre   
MY O T P ARE ENGAGED   
  
Lewis   
I CANT BELIEVE VALTTERI IS MISSING THIS   
  
I GET TO BE A BRIDESMAID   
  
Max   
oops   
  


**Author's Note:**

> :)
> 
> @jamie you love me xx
> 
> kudos, comments & feedback always greatly appreciated💙
> 
> Tumblr is at 3303andmore💙


End file.
